Chasing a Bone

Do you ever feel like when you are trying to find pain relief, you are like a dog chasing a bone?  That's kinda how I feel.  Or like a dog chasing my own tail.  Constantly going in circles.  I find myself chasing after every theory that offers relief from chronic headache.  And...to no avail.  It is a constant roller-coaster ride, or like I said, going in circles and it never stops until you are so exhausted and dizzy from constantly pushing through the pain.  I felt good for awhile there, but this week has proven to me that nothing lasts forever...including pain free days.  My neuro said to me this morning as he was shoving needles into the back of my skull that I have a "self-defeating" attitude.  I try.  I really do.  I go into every new treatment with optimism, but the honeymoon phase always fades away.  This new guy is completely against me taking any narcotics of any kind.  This week I have been sneaking fioricet...lortab...whatever leftover drugs I have in my medicine cabinets from other doctors I've been to.  I just don't understand what he wants me to do in those moments where the squeezing inside my brain or the knife-stabbing pains through the left side of my head are so bad that I don't even want to lift my head up from the pillow, or turn on any lights or have any sounds around me....let alone work 12 hr shifts laboring mamma's to be and delivering screaming babies...and try to be a good, productive mother for my sons.  It's so easy for the doctor's to tell you what to do...and believe me, I know what is good and right for me...I have a medical background for crying out loud...but in those times of desperation...popping a pill is all I know to do.  I meditate, stretch, ice my head...but I can't lay around all day.  I end up putting on a happy smile and faking my way through most days.  So, this week...I am increasing my preventatives per Dr. K.'s advice, going to see a new chiropractor on Wed. am and seeing my massage therapist on Thurs. am...and faking my way through everything else.  Possibly with some pills on board, doctor recommened or not!