Trick or Treat...

Happy Halloween...Love: Jesse, Jessica, Brendan & Zachary <3

Labor of Love

While I tend to dread the thought of going to work...I truly love my job.  It's not the work I dread, it's the 12+ hour shifts that kill me.  But, when that shift is over, and I think of the day and what I have gotten to be apart of, good & bad, I am utterly amazed and grateful. Today, in the span of 13 hours, I witnessed little lives come into this world...both alive and well...and as little angels...only to be a part of their families in body for a short time, and in spirit...FOREVER...as well as touching my life and leaving an imprint on my heart. 

Drug Abuse vs. Pain Relief

I was having a bit of an internal struggle with myself today.  Since being hospitalized in the beginning of August, I decided to stop taking a majority of the medications I was on, and made a change to a different neurologist.  Now, I took Dr. K.'s suggestion last week and increased my dosage of preventatives, but my question still remains...What am I to do for the pain?  Right now?  While waiting for so-called (usually ineffective) long-term therapy to kick in? 

The pain in my head seems to be taking a back seat these last few days to the burning, searing, aching to the very core agony that I am feeling in my hips and legs.  I can hardly stand to keep them still.  It's as if there are electric currents running through my bones.  My face is so tight and dry...I feel as if my skin is being stretched to its limit even just opening my mouth.  My lips are sore and cracking, and my cheeks feel like sandpaper.  My left ribcage, or rather right under it is beyond tender to the touch, making breathing deeply or laughing painful.  Is it pericardial or pleural effusions worsening???

I often think these symptoms, along with my chronic, intractable headaches have got to be somehow related.  As well as the history of fluid surrounding my internal organs and elevated rheum factor and sed rate.  Surely I cannot be plagued by more than one ailment.  Although, the sensible part of me...the college educated part of me knows that more often than not, chronic daily headache and migraine is coexistent with autoimmune disorders and other chronic pain conditions.  *BIG SIGH*

So this all brings me to my next point...today...I said FUCK it.  Fuck dealing with this agony and faking my way through it.  I popped 2 pain pills and stayed in bed all day.  And I realized something...I realized I should not have to feel guilty or defend myself for controllong my pain.  If that means taking narcotics, I will take narcotics.  I am not a drug addict, and I don't abuse them.  I have a valid reason for taking narcotics...I am in pain.  I think I will tell that to Dr. K. the next time I see him...as I am asking him to refill my pain pill prescription!

What's Good Today

What's Good Today:

Pumpkin Spice Latte...YUM!

 

Happy Birthday, Brendan

12 years ago yesterday, I gave birth to an 8lb 8oz little boy, whom I named Brendan Michael.  He has exceeded my expectations as a son and taught me so much.  I was a very young mother, age 21, when I had him.  While all my friends were away at college and out partying, I was home, breastfeeding an infant and changing diapers.  While I wasn't planning on becoming pregnant at such a young age, I wouldn't change a thing.  Brendan and I have practically grown up together.  We are the best of buds.  It is because of him that I went back to college and have strived to be successful in my life.  Not only do I wish to provide my sons with all that is possible...I also want to teach them the importance of education, hard work and dedication.  Brendan is sweet, loving and extremely understanding.  When I am ill and bedridden with pain, he is the first to get me a drink, or cover me with a blanket, or get me an icepack.  At 12, one would think a boy would be moody and standoffish...not my Brendan.  He still holds my hand, cuddles with me and even allows me to hug and kiss him in front of school...even if he is embarassed, he humors me.  He is an excellent big brother to Zachary.  He is very patient and tolerable...even when Zachary is being pesky and taking his stuff.  He comforts his brother if he is scared...and while I am away and they are at daddy's for the weekend, is sure to be a little man and take care of his brother.  He is in his first year at middle school and I couldn't be bursting with any more pride than I already am.  He is so far getting straight A's (except in Advanced Math...) and is making numerous new friends.  He enjoys art, surfing and running and hopes to join the middle school track team.  He is also the "class clown"...always joking and trying to play tricks on people...especially me.  So this post is to say I LOVE YOU, BRENDAN more than life itself.  One never knows true love until you have a child...whichever way they come into your life (and heart).

Yay for Botox

I NEED more botox...and caffeine!

                                                      

No More Injections

Just got the last of my series of Occipital Nerve Blocks.  Today's injection was in my most troublesome spot...so if it's going to help, I should know this round.  Trying to keep positive.  But I am guessing as with most treatments and drugs I have tried, it will poop out without any noticeable effects.

I go to see Dr. F...the new chiropractor, again on Wednesday at 930am.  I think I am a glutton for punishment...or just a sucker.  I fear not going I will be missing the opportunity to find a method that just might work.  Besides...for me, going to get massage, soft tissue manipulation and adjustments may not touch the pain, but are quite relaxing.

Anyone have any feedback on the Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago?

I am still toying with the idea of going to MHNI as my pain specialist suggested, but Diamond is close to Jesse's sister's house, so I am thinking I might want try them out instead.  We could stay at his sister's for free...at least Jesse can if I end up inpatient, and we'd have a car to drive for free, rather than renting one.  I just don't know Diamond's reputation...or if either place is even worth the travel and expense???

Balancing Chakras

Attempting to feel better after my tortorous experience with my cervical adjustment that has sent me into a tailspin.  Went and got a light massage and my "chakras balanced."  Grasping at straws here...grasping at straws.

Alternative Methods

Saw a new Chiropractor yesterday.  He did some adjustments to my neck...which I was a little skeptical of, but allowed him to do anyway.  I have this unrealistic fear of neck adjustments causing a vertebral artery dissection and me dying a slow painful death.  So of course, when the pain set in last night...I told Jesse..."If I die, make sure they look for VAD on my autopsy."  Yup...I'm a little psycho.  So my take on this chiro and massage thing...I think I am gonna feel worse before I feel better.

Chasing a Bone

Do you ever feel like when you are trying to find pain relief, you are like a dog chasing a bone?  That's kinda how I feel.  Or like a dog chasing my own tail.  Constantly going in circles.  I find myself chasing after every theory that offers relief from chronic headache.  And...to no avail.  It is a constant roller-coaster ride, or like I said, going in circles and it never stops until you are so exhausted and dizzy from constantly pushing through the pain.  I felt good for awhile there, but this week has proven to me that nothing lasts forever...including pain free days.  My neuro said to me this morning as he was shoving needles into the back of my skull that I have a "self-defeating" attitude.  I try.  I really do.  I go into every new treatment with optimism, but the honeymoon phase always fades away.  This new guy is completely against me taking any narcotics of any kind.  This week I have been sneaking fioricet...lortab...whatever leftover drugs I have in my medicine cabinets from other doctors I've been to.  I just don't understand what he wants me to do in those moments where the squeezing inside my brain or the knife-stabbing pains through the left side of my head are so bad that I don't even want to lift my head up from the pillow, or turn on any lights or have any sounds around me....let alone work 12 hr shifts laboring mamma's to be and delivering screaming babies...and try to be a good, productive mother for my sons.  It's so easy for the doctor's to tell you what to do...and believe me, I know what is good and right for me...I have a medical background for crying out loud...but in those times of desperation...popping a pill is all I know to do.  I meditate, stretch, ice my head...but I can't lay around all day.  I end up putting on a happy smile and faking my way through most days.  So, this week...I am increasing my preventatives per Dr. K.'s advice, going to see a new chiropractor on Wed. am and seeing my massage therapist on Thurs. am...and faking my way through everything else.  Possibly with some pills on board, doctor recommened or not!