Life is overwhelming. Simple as that. I don't know how else to describe this feeling I have everyday. It's quite ridiculous. I don't do more than most other normal people. Yet...I feel so bogged down with just the basic activities of daily living. I haven't even been able to muster the strength to log onto my computer. All I wanna do is lay down. I don't feel depressed, just sooo tired all day...everyday. Even though I long to sleep 24 hours a day...I don't. I have managed to be very productive. More so than I have been in months. Maybe that's why I feel wiped out. I tried to take things slowly...but in my life, that's not an option. Gotta jump back in...full force. I am now back to full time status at work. Even though that means only working 3 days a week...they are 12+ hours a day of constantly being on my feet and running around like a chicken with my head cut off! Since I have been back, I have been "baby nurse" every shift. Which consists of going to every single delivery and "catching" all the babies and doing all their care. While that's my favorite part of my job...it gets super busy as baby nurse! I have had 8 babies a day the last 2 shifts I've worked. It's not too bad if the babies come out good...it's when they come out bad that it gets hectic. Then I fall behind. I am very systematic and organized and one little blip throws me out of wack. Although, while I am at work, I handle mostly every situation with confidence and am able to shift gears quite rapidly...it's when I get home that I crash. I guess every nurse can attest to that.
In addition...I am also back to being part of our Perinatal Loss Program. And tonight...I run my first support group on my own! Yikes! When I was asked, I just couldn't say no! Having had 2 losses of my own, I was compelled to be a part of this team. I feel I have a special connection with these mothers who lose their babies and as morbid as it may sound, I enjoy taking care of these quiet little angels and giving them the best care they could possibly have for their short time here on earth. Those few hours those families have with their stillborn babies are the only moments they will ever experience with their son or daughter. We spend precious moments bathing the babies, taking photos, clipping locks of hair, footprinting them and watching as the parents cry and hug and kiss their sweet angels. Its heartbreaking, but I know we are doing a good thing and providing a special service to these families.
More stress has also come my way since the boys have gone back to school. I spend a minimum of an hour each afternoon sitting in car rider lines picking them up from school. I just read, so I guess it's not that awful. It's just getting my ass motivated to get out of the house! Another thing...the homework! Oh the drama of homework! And I say drama...because inevitably someone always ends up yelling and in tears while doing homework...and it's usually me! I claim to have no patience what-so-ever. Funny since I am a mother and a nurse! Last night I helped Brendan with his homework for 2 1/2 hrs! He is in middle school for goodness sake! He gets more homework than I did in college! He is also in advanced math...I don't remember half that stuff! So while he is learning...so am I.
On the headache front, I have been ok. So far this week I am good. Only mild symptoms. I did practically knock myself out at work on Tuesday though. Not so good. I stood up from washing my hands in a patients' room and banged my head on the corner of the television. I instantly saw complete whiteness (weird it wasn't darkness) and fell backwards into the arms of one of my co-workers. So needless to say, I was a little dazed and confused after that. Other than a big knot on my head, I am fine now.
While this week has been good...last week sucked. When I look at my headache log, last week was all moderate to severe symptoms. That being said, I did make the first step and called Michigan Head Pain and Neurological Institute (MHNI). I am waiting for a nurse to call back to get my medical history, then I will make an appointment to go. I cannot live my life so up and down. A big trigger for me is stress and anxiety...and I don't foresee my life slowing down anytime soon...so I need help. Dr. B. mentioned going in and lesioning my c-1 and c-2 and has also mentioned an occipital nerve stimulator, but I'd like to see if I can go to MHNI and see what they say.
On this so-called CTD front, I think I might be having some kind of flare-up. My face is so tight, dry, itchy and red...I can't stand it! As a former aesthetician, I take impeccable care of my skin. I have never experienced this before and it is driving me nuts! My tremors are still there and annoying, and my thighs are so achey down to the bone, but I am dealing with it. As all of us in pain have to do.