Well, I finally learned how to create my own header. My last one mysteriously disappered. Anyhow...hope you all like it! I do! And it totally conveys how I feel on a daily basis.
I realized I haven't written much about my head lately. But, the time not writing about my anguish and showing off my new hobby has been a fun distraction.
The reality though...is I'm miserable. Not that that feeling has ever really gone away. I am very good at hiding my feelings and pressing on...doing what needs to be done as far as work and kids and being a good partner and housekeeper. I can only keep that charade going for so long before I crumble. Right now...I am a heaping pile of agony, depression, anxiety, guilt...you name it.
I'm just sad.
I'm sad I cannot will myself to feel better.
I'm sad that no one is giving me a magic cure.
I'm sad that I am letting my co-workers down for not being able to pull it together to go to work.
I'm sad that on a daily basis my children ask me "Mommy, do you feel good today?"...in the hopes that I will actually say yes and we can spend some time doing something fun...together.
I'm sad that Jesse has had to go through the majority of our relationship taking care of me.
I'm sad that I am forever waiting for damn insurance approval so that I might have a procedure that may improve my quality of life.
I see my primary care physician on Monday morning, hoping to get a referral to a GI doc to figure out my increasingly worse abdominal issues. And I know I have said it before...but when the head hurts...the gut hurts...and when the gut hurts...the head hurts worse.
Also looking into other options for going out of state for treatment.
Hope you all are having a better day than me, but sometimes...I just gotta vent!
Lots of love!